This One Time On Fleet Street
by Johnnydspiratequeen
Summary: I wrote this months ago and finally decided to post it! This is a totally random cross between Sweeney Todd, Charlie the Unicorn, Harry Potter, and Thumb Wars. Yeah...I know...
1. MARSHMALLOWS!

A/N: Um, okay so this bit of insane randomness popped into my head late one night and I couldn't help but write it down

**A/N:**_ Um, okay so this bit of insane randomness popped into my head late one night and I couldn't help but write it down. Lol, please don't bash my craziness! _

**This one time on Fleet Street…**

"MARSHMALLOWS!" Sweeney exclaimed as he awoke from a nightmare about marshmallow pies eating his toes. "Maybe I shouldn't have hit the gin so hard…"

Sweeney stood up and looked around the room when his eye caught one of the floor boards. The piece of wood started to laugh hysterically at him. Sweeney raised his eyebrow and said: "What is so funny?"

"BWAHAHA," it laughed, "I have a secret to tell you but first you must touch your tongue to mine!"

With that, Sweeney freaked out because of the homosexuality and darted out of the room. He burst into Mrs. Lovett's shop to find her having a conversation with a llama.

"MARSHMALLOWS, TALKING FLOOR…HOMO, homo…" Sweeney shouted, gasping for breath.

The llama tapped her hoof impatiently, "DO you mind? We were having a conversation."

"Oh…" Sweeney walked out, not sure what to do next other than touch tongues with the secretive floorboard and he definitely didn't want to do that! He was almost trampled by an escaped herd of Chinese water dragons but managed to make it upstairs in time. He closed the door behind him and let out a sigh.

"Find out secret you must to save the princess, yes yes," said the floorboard.

"What princess?"

"Come, come, show you I shall."

"Why do you talk funny?"

"Speech impediment it is. Stepped on too much I am!"

"Whatever", Sweeney said, "So what's your fabulous secret other than coming out of the closet?"

The floorboard gasped, "Gay I am not, bisexual I am!"

There was an awkward silence and yet another gay baby was born.

"So, secret?" Sweeney asked.

Suddenly, the floorboard opened up and out came this little hologram lady. "What the?" he said as the little lady started to speak.

"You must save me Obi Wan, you are my only hope!"

"Who the heck is that?"

The little hologram studied Sweeney carefully, "Insanely hot barber, you must save me, you're my only hope!"

"The name's Todd… Sweeney Todd."

"HELLO! I'm trying to tell you something!" She shouted impatiently.

"Sorry."

"I'm being held captive by Severus Snape and the bubblegum tribe at Candy Mountain! You must save me!"

"But why me?"

"BECAUSE, you are the most random person the author could think of!" She exclaimed.

(Everyone turns suddenly to the reader and smiles sheepishly)

"Not like this is a Fanfiction or anything…heh heh", Sweeney said.

"Anyway, I brought this gift to help you along in your journey", she continued and up popped a decorative looking wooden box.

Sweeney opened the box and peered in at what was laying on the red velvet lining. "What…what the heck?"

"It's my guarder! For good luck!"

Sweeney picked up the guarder between his thumb and forefinger and looked at it before getting a disgusted shiver down his spine and placing it back in the box.

"If it's all the same", he said, closing the lid, "I can't accept this."

"Trust me, it will come in handy!"

"Sure, if I ever want my stomach to turn over, I'll look at it again."

"WELL I NEVER!" she shouted and then disappeared.

An envelope appeared in her place with "To my savior" written in fancy scrawl on the front. Sweeney opened it and started to read the paper inside. It was a crappy looking map to Candy Mountain done in crayon with big scribbly letters that said, "Directshuns to Kandy Mowntin".

"Pff, I'm not going to some mountain to save some freaky hologram princess that gives me her guarders!" he exclaimed before throwing the letter down on his vanity.

"BAWK BAWK! Chicken you are!" teased the floorboard.

Sweeney picked up the floorboard and turned it over. "Hey! What doing you are?!" it asked as he wedged it back into its spot upside down.

"NO! Claustrophobic I am!" It screamed as Sweeney laughed manically at it.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. Candy Mountain, Sweeney!

A/N: Yes

**A/N: **_ Yes! More insane randomness! If you haven't seen Charlie the Unicorn, you might not understand this…or thumb wars… but you'll enjoy it anyway! Here's chapter two… _

**Disclaimer: I do not own Sweeney Todd, Charlie the Unicorn, Harry Potter, or Thumb Wars sob… but if I did…man… **

**Candy Mountain, Sweeney! **

"WAKE UP SWEENEY! WAKE UUUPPP!"

"Yeah you silly sleepy head, wake up!"

Sweeney woke up to find Mrs. Lovett and Toby eagerly shaking him. "Oh God…not you guys. This better be pretty freaking important! Is the shop on fire?"

"Noooo Sweeney!" said Mrs. Lovett, "We found your map to Candy Mountain!"

"Yeah Sweeney! Candy Mountain!" Toby added excitedly.

"Come with us Sweeney! It'll be an adventure! An adventure!"

"Yeah Sweeney, we're going on an adventuuuuree…"

"Candy Mountain", Sweeney said, "right… I'm just gonna, you know, go back to sleep now."

"NOOOOO Sweeney", they said in unison. Mrs. Lovett started bouncing on him, "You have to come with us to Candy Mountain! Candy Mountain!"

"Candy Mountain!" Toby cried, "It's a land of sweets and joy…and joyness…"

"Please stop bouncing on me."

"CANDY MOUNTAIN, Sweeney, Candy Mountain!" Mrs. Lovett continued.

"ALRIGHT FINE!" Sweeney shouted, "I'll go with you to Candy Mountain!"

ST

"La la, la la, la la la la", Mrs. Lovett and Toby sang cheerfully as they headed through the woods on the path to Candy Mountain.

Sweeney was growing more and more annoyed, "Alright, enough with the singing already!"

"The first stop is over there, Sweeney", Mrs. Lovett said.

They approached a large, strange looking sea monster thing in a mud puddle.

"Oh God, what is that?" Sweeney asked as they came to a stop.

"It's a Leoplouredon, Sweeney!" Mrs. Lovett cried.

"A magical Leoplouredon", Toby added.

"It's gonna guide our way to Candy Mountain."

"Alright, you guys know there is no actual Candy Mountain, right?" Sweeney asked.

"Shun the non-believer!" Mrs. Lovett said.

"Shun."

"Shuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnaaaahhh!"

"…Yeah…" Sweeney said, his eyebrows furrowed angrily.

Suddenly, the Leoplouredon let out a stupid sound, "Rlahha uuanaeeehhhh."

"It has spoken!" Mrs. Lovett cheered.

"It has shown us the waaaaaaaay", Toby said as he and Mrs. Lovett walked ahead.

"It didn't say anything!" Sweeney argued as they strolled away happily.

ST

The trio found themselves on a long, rickety bridge over a ravine. Sweeney looked over the side nervously as he followed the cheerful two in front.

"It's just over this bridge, Sweeney", Mrs. Lovett told him.

"This magical bridge…of hope and wondeeerrr", Toby chimed in.

"Is anybody else getting like covered in splinters?" Sweeney asked looking at his hands and the bottoms of his shoes, "Seriously, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing."

"Sweeney", Mrs. Lovett called, "Sweeeennneeeeey, Sweeneeeey, Swee…"

"I'M RIGHT HERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"We're on a bridge, Sweeney!" She answered happily.

ST

Meanwhile, Princess Bunhead is being held captive by Severus Snape and the Bubble Gum tribe.

"You'll never get away with this, Snape!" She said angrily, "You are bad and we are good. You're badness will be the end of you and our goodness will be our triumph. Good is good and bad is bad. Good, bad, good, bad, good, good, bad, good bad…BAD!"


	3. Anthony Is a Fagtard

A/N: I know it's been like forever and a day since I last updated this

**A/N:** _I know it's been like forever and a day since I last updated this. But fear no more! Randomness for all of you! (all of my friends cheer wildly) That's right…bow down… Oh and btw, this is just going to get randomer and randomer and make less and less sense as we go on so be prepared! _

**Chapter 3: Anthony Is a Fagtard **

And so the merry trio made it to the end of the bridge, Mrs. Lovett and Toby hopping off first. Out of nowhere, Anthony ran into Sweeney screaming: "MR. TODD! MR. TODD!"

Sweeney lost his balance and fell over the edge of the bridge, hanging onto the rickety boards for dear life. "ANTHONY, YOU FAGTARD! You have the absolute worstest timing of anybody ever in the history of the world and if you do not help me back up right now, so help me God, I will hit you with my ring-hand!"

"Okey doke!" Anthony exclaimed, pulling Sweeney back onto the bridge.

After taking a deep breath and dusting himself off, Sweeney grabbed Anthony and as calmly as he could manage, screamed in face, "Now…WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"Nothing in particular," Anthony replied, "I just like to burst in at random moments, secretly hoping to ruin your life further and push you to the brink of insanity. …I have no life."

"Whatever," Sweeney said, tossing him over the bridge. A comical falling noise is heard, followed by the noise of Anthony exploding as he hits the bottom of the ravine. Sweeney looked back over to Mrs. Lovett and Toby who were now playing patty-cake, sitting indian style on the grass.

"Come on, Sweeney!" Mrs. Lovett said, jumping to her feet, "Let's continue our journey to Candy Mountain!"

"How bout no?" Sweeney suggested but before he could do anything about it, Mrs. Lovett had him by the wrist and was dragging him along behind her and Toby.

ST

Sweeney's eye twitched as Toby pestered him with the most annoying and stupid questions he'd ever heard: "Where does chocolate sauce come from? Does my finger smell weird? What's a tax exemption? Do you like to watch old men fish? Do you secretly find Bugs Bunny attractive when he puts on makeup and dresses up like a girl bunny?"

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID LITTLE TWERP!" Sweeney exploded angrily, "YOU ARE A FILTHY LITTE DRUNK WHO TAKES ORDERS FROM MRS. LOVETT EVEN THOUGH SHE PLANS FOR ME TO KILL YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL KNOW TOO MUCH AND WANT TO GO TO THA COPPAS!"

Toby seemed unphased, "Anything else?"

"SANTA CLAUS DOESN'T EXIST!!"

Toby's lip wiggled and he burst into tears, "No! Say it's not true! SANTA!!"

Mrs. Lovett tried to comfort the squalling boy, "It's okay. I was devestated when I discovered that the Easter Bunny doesn't exist."

"NO EASTER BUNNY?!" Toby cried, having a full out nervous breakdown.

"Whatever. I tried," Mrs. Lovett shrugged and dragged Toby away by the leg.

ST

A bit further down the path, our little group of murders came upon a strangely colored cat in a tree.

"Who the hell are you?" Sweeney asked and the cat laughed insanely.

"I am who I am not supposed to be when you think I'm someone else," The cat said, a broad demented smile on its face.

Sweeney picked up a conviently placed golf club and threw it at the cat who turned invisible just in time. The cat reappeared behind Sweeney, swinging the golf club wildly.

"I'll teach you to mess with the Cheshire cat!" The cat chased Sweeney around in circles.

"AAAAH! Help me somebody! Help me Tom Cruise with your crazy voo-doo magic! Teach me how to levitate like Criss Angel! Save me Oprah Winfrey!" Sweeney screamed as the cat laughed wickedly.

Mrs. Lovett pulled a rolling pin out from between her boobs and whacked the cat on the head. The cat passed out, little birds circling its head. She then turned to smile at Sweeney.

"This doesn't mean I'm going to marry you," he said, "By the way…what else do you keep in there?"

Mrs. Lovett reached back into her boobs and pulled out a frying pan, a VCR, a newspaper, a Micheal Jackson CD, a half plucked chicken, and a fuzzy pair of handcuffs. Sweeney and Toby stared at her awkwardly.

"Um…I'm not going to ask…" Sweeney said, edging slowly away from Mrs. Lovett.

ST

"BAHAHA!" Snape laughed abnoxiously, tapping his stubby, unkempt fingers together. "Now you shall suffer the flan torture!"

Princess Bunhead was tied to a chair and the members of the Bubble Gum Tribe were forcing huge, nasty globs of flan into her mouth. All the while, the fish from Finding Nemo were chanting: "Oh-ee-wah-hii-ah-ho-ho-ho!"

"Ah, wormtail!" Snape said as his accomplise entered the room.

"Aren't I supposed to be Beadle Bamford in the story?" he asked.

"Uh no, didn't you get the memo?"

"I guess I didn't. Crap. Let me go change costume real quick."

"Alrighty-roo," Snape said and continued to pervishly watch Princess Bunhead writhe agony for the flanny death was upon her.

**A/N:** _May flanny death be upon those who do not review! _


End file.
